Ever remember a kiss?  Right now, I can feel his lips and taste him.  He tastes so clean, always.  I love the way he looked into my eyes and smiled.  I always knew he was going to massage my breasts and pay great attention to my nipples.  I'd be squirming as I drove and he would still do that.  He loved my legs, yes.  He loved my knees and claimed I had the sexiest knees he had seen.  Sexually he and I were a fit if there ever was one.  But, so much more than that, I loved him. I still do.  I always will.  My heart. It hurts.  He has gone now.

Life of trivial pursuits

There are excuses for chatting in chat rooms, like...I don't want to be alone, I want to bug others, I want to find my meal ticket, I'm looking for a way out of a relationship but too afraid to go it alone, oh its so fun ( get them to describe why), and for <cough> sex.  I used to think the people were half the way intelligent, but they have proved they aren't.  For those who want to find love, get out of the fucking chats because the only people willing to give you something close to that are players and you are just one more willing conquest. Enough said about that.

There are others who go there who are thinking about killing themselves.  Yes, they are convinced that not one soul would miss them if they did themselves in.  Their life outside sucks and online its made worse by the brash insensitivites (thanks for that word, J).  I've known a few and since I've been going through my own problems, I realize how true it is, that if folks ever do miss you, its when its far too late to do anything about it.(LY Wendy and Valerie andTy Lord for Robert.)

I came to that chat and loved folks, really loved them, got involved in their messes and cried to them, too, when I created messes of my own; but then I did something I had to do.  I pulled myself out of the chat.  That's right.  I kicked myself out because there became so few I could respect and they are always surrounded by duplicitous yo yos not equipped to interact socially on the internet let alone in public.  Until I heal and can live ammicably along side the internet inept, I'll be staying away.  They would all be shouting hooray if they didn't have their noses so far up some assholes  asshole.

Its Memorial Day

Everyone got breakfast in bed this morning.  My mother-n-law told me I didn't have to do that for her.  She dislikes it if I am accomodating.  She seems to be looking for a reason to dislike me these days.  The boys say it is because she is old, but I know different. 

My sons were excited and so was my hubby.  I was able to please 3 out of 4--not bad.  Not bad at all.

I just paused for a very long time taking a chance that I would be booted.  Well, I'm back.   After I got booted, I cut my husband's hair.  Dan, Mom and hubby are going to the movies to see Troy.  I do believe they will be disappointed.  In order to act through an epic such as this, you have to make history, that portion of it, your passion.  I have a feeling the acting will be flat in comparison to the story they wish to rehash.  Guess I'll know soon enough. 

The one good thing is, I'll pretty much be alone.  Jess will be out in the neighborhood being the king of the road.  I'll be going back to bed.  There I can hide for a few hours at least.  Ho Hum.

Sunday around noon.

The ravens and hawks were at a standstill over a huge pine tree across the street.  Seems the ravens have been using it for a home and weren't willing to leave it.  A couple of hawks thought different. I loved watching them as they issued their warnings, began the negotiation process, and grew restless.  I would have loved to stick around and see the outcome but I had to leave for work.  Yes, I know.  It is Sunday.  Sunday the splendid comes out.  I'll observe this splendid thing, this Sunday.

Its after noon now and I've enjoyed my day so far. I blogged under another name and played with strangers.  I found them to be human.  :)

Even later:  What?  Am I supposed to pretend I don't care?...that you don't matter? 

Hour or so before midnight:  watched the sunset and drank some hypnotic with Lawita.  A beautiful night it is.  Now, maybe I can talk with some friends.  BTW, I miss you. 

Simple beauty

When I look out my window and see the birds go about their routine, I'm filled with awe.  The only thing I'd do different is to ask God to make the trees lower.  It would be easier to trim them and then the birds would be closer to me.  I'd really like that.

I was so fucking depressed that I called a friend for adult conversation.  He quickly pointed out that adults are over rated.  I told him my "its all about me" story.  He reminded me that people who throw that stone are really saying its all about them.  As we mused I recalled a time when I asked him to try and paint his emotion.  He said, "Soon as I figure out how to paint numbess."  I told him tonight, " Yeah, its kinda like trying to write it." 

Suddenly we fit numbness into another equasion.  It is when it becomes more important to "me".  I could write it.  He could paint it.  Then there is always that.  I could write that, and he, paint that.  Suddenly we saw the humor in life without the use of I, me or myself.

Can one write personally of personal things without referring to himself or herself?  Hm.  'They thought about It all day and came to an assumption about All.  They did It and All That meant was His destiny choked All That and Some of This. 

I suppose talking about that, this, all that, and it can be fun to practice, but I'll do the living in My life and I matter to Me because when I'm done in life, I'll respect Myself ( I, 'yes i did say I',hope.)

So my friend and I revisited the adult thing because it hit me how totally adult like I have become in such a short time.   He said, "Don't be an adult.  It leads to depression."  

Suddenly it was about me again.  I am an adult. 

 

The 50's

There was the 20's, 30's,and 40's.  There was the 60's, 70's, 80's, and 90's.  So what the hell was the 50's all about? It was a time of illusion where everything was sparking clean, spit shined even.  I thought for some odd reason, "so lilly white".

Him again

Dorthy Parker said, "Search a lover and find a foe."  I never understood what that meant before today.  But I know, with the love of my heart as my enemy, I would do it all again. Kierkegaard said, "To cheat one's self out of love is the greatest deception of which there is no reparation in either time or eternity."  He, I always understood.

All I have to show for him putting it all on red are my empty darkened thoughts.  He does things like that.

On My Mind

I worry for you as I do for myself and not just you, but them, too.  I worry for us all equally because I hope for God's will in our life.  I hope He doesn't stop thinking of us.  I hope for His protection and strength.  As humans go, its not about being right or wrong.  Its about His will.

The Eyes are Watching You!

Look out world!   I may be watching.   Oh, yes.  I just got my camera!  Woohoooooo.  heh heh heh  

In between clients

I planned my day to be free of pain, free of worry over the trivial and then I thanked God for work.  Work keeps my mind off the crapola, kind of.  But, 7 am came around and old habits grabbed at my heart as I reached for the telephone.  I called Cj, instead.  I began feeling melacholy because I truly missed someone who meant a great deal to me.  I remember what a pain in the ass my calls to him were and I thought about being that pain in his ass once again.  Then I wondered, Chelle, honey, don't set yourself up for this again. I told myself he probably has his eyes on another one or two gals who are less work.  Flatbed told him that I'm a lot of work which if you think about it; it meant I wasn't worth the trouble.  So, now you see how I begin to reason when I'm starting to feel sad.  Well I immediately said, NO!  I'm not doing this again.   I began singing and good humor was my sweet companion.   I popped online to check out 2 websites and saw Di and Jeff's name on my list.  Then I saw Janice log on.  I thought in my mind to them but didn't want to be a pain in their ass either.  I thought, sheesh, I am a pain in their ass too and if I didn't call them again, they wouldn't notice.  Its like there is no one to care.  But, I was proved wrong and before unhappiness could claim me once again, Joe called me.  His words were the music of friendship.  Thank you Joe.  

Later, I called Jeff and told him about the fun chatroom experience I had in the wee hours of the morn.  Lisa, ArmyWench, she was awesome.  No one can talk bodily functions better than I can, except her.  She has her own style that I just love.  Between she and Jough50, I had the very best time in there that I have had in a long time and I enjoyed the Authors Lounge too.  Those folks were awesome and Ann Crispin was totally funny.  :)   Well, thank you Jeff for laughing with me today.  That's what is about, buddy.

Losers Keepers

Last time I listened to this song, my gosh, my heart was broken.  I wonder is there ever a last goodbye.  Since the spirit lives it would be real to say there are no goodbyes.  Ah, but that's not what I wished to think about. 

If you feel anxious

We have been affected by the war in Iraq.  Not a day goes by that some terrorist group isn't hilighted on our front pages, getting the glory they seek. Day after day they claim publicity.  Their plan seems to be working and Americans are concealing stress, even medicating it.  Now we are warned about possible attacks over the next year.  In California, we get earthquake warnings of apocalyptic proportions, and for awhile, we take safety measures to have staples and batteries on hand.  Then we eventually grow lax and forget til the next warning comes.

It's different now.  We know earthquakes and its difficult to really be prepared for them, so how do we prepare against something we don't know?  I thought about it as I stepped outside this morning and looked over my neighborhood. We should make a list of our immediate neighborhood, our block lets say.  How many children, how many teenagers, how many elderly do we have?  Do they go to schools nearby?  If so, where?  Where are the other adults at any given time?  We should know these things in case something happens to one or more of us.  We must be able to rally our families and get them to safety and not let them feel isolated should a crisis occur.  One family could be the water people, or two famillies at opposite ends of the block.  Some can be the battery suppliers; others the flashlights.  Everyone could have masks and protective gear in case of bacterial invasion.  We should have fuel on hand and food staples that can't be contaminated.  It might be a good idea for every family to have a tent--just in case.  I think you are seeing a theme come into view here.

My point is, that in these times, folks feel more helpless than ever before.  By getting a plan, even a neighborhood plan, it helps us all to feel like we can control some things, that we are doing what we can to be proactive against the terrors we don't understand.  This participation alone, can ward off anxiety and depression.  Maybe it is time the Mayors and other powers suggest this to the town's people.

It is morning, not quite 9 am on Thursday.  My gosh time flies. In just a few days, some important dates will come then go.  These dates are so important to me that not one person online knows of them, nor do the people I work with.  I've kept them a secret every year until it passes.  Today, however, I did share with my sons the significance of this day.  I'll go light some candles in quiet observance. 

This year is definately different--my year to walk alone.  Alone it shall be.

Cheap and Stupid

Would you go to a cosmetic tatoo artist for breast augmentation?   Would you allow a manicurist to wax your eye brows?  Would you go to a beautician for liposuction?????       In our town, it is common practice.  There is a lot of unlicensed work going on and as a licensed professional, I find that people are as cheap as they are stupid. 

Pretty Looks Salon (not really a salon-no state license) was busted for performing breast augmentation that had gone bad.  That speaks volumes about the clientele of that place, cheap and stupid.

Look for the licenses people.  Check out the credentials before you have your surgery.  <shaking my head>

Closure, My Butt

So I said to her, "Cindy, he hangs up on you, it is pretty clear."

She says, "I know it, Lana.  I would appreciate some closure is all."

"He hangs up on ya, then he says nothing more--there's your closure."

"Does this mean, we can leave this parking lot, yet?  I've seen enough of these tarred places."

"The view is way different through tears. Besides, we weren't talking about me.  We were talking about you."

"Okay, we will try this again, tomorrow--whatever it takes."

"Thanks, my friend, my imagination."

Sindonologists? In America?

Fundemental Darwinists claim our world is besieged by creationist propaganda.  Are they paranoid or what?

As they seek to alert the masses of this degeneration of scientific faith, the powers that be make the assertion that religion is in our DNA!  So, religion is a matter of the flesh!   I told ya so.  I told ya so.

LOL

Man, I'm stoked.  Just when I think my heart can't take the pain, life deals me this wierd ever so time stopping moment.  I was in a chat and one of the women said, go to Google.com and type in your name.  I typed in Lana Wolfe and Chelle Stockman.  Oh my gosh!  So fricken cool.  I had 15 minutes of fame.  LOL 

Okay, I officially declare this a NO TEAR Day.  No crying allowed.

Ever get the feeling you were talking to someone you had been talking to off an on say for five or six years?  There are several people that fit that bill with me.  Odd that someone revisits you, well, he revisited me.

Perhaps this time around he won't be so critical of me.  He seems to be enjoying the conversation and showing me patience, something he refused to do back then.

To him I would say, kindness begets kindness ;and be grateful that he is at least experimenting with that philosophy.  But I've learned, not everyone is liked by all.

I'm Not Sleepy (smiling)

Today was good, afterall. So many things to ponder and I pondered as many as I could lest I be plundered with desire to ponder.  heh heh heh  --no I didn't smoke!

Sun was out playing dodge cloud.  The newer vineyards behind me, the canyon at my side, birds as company, well it was very nearly heaven.  I glanced out to fight some pain, then leaned on the back of my chair pondering evolution as something some say opposes creationism and pondering how I've evolved under the forces of creation. The new vineyard in the distance had what could have been a huge bird dance over its terrain. It wasn't a bird, no.  It was the shadow of a plane coming in for landing.  Beauty has many pictures.

Irresistable

I watched Something's Got To Give--reminds me of a man I know, Jack Nicholsen does. So damn stubborn, so manly and sometimes so vunerable for the lack of words to describe what he wants to say, so afraid to say things I might not want to hear and also afraid to put his heart out there on the line.  I understand and am surprised.  How can I not love that?...love him?  He pisses me off as much as he draws me to him.  He is irresistable.

Neutral, yeah right.

Karen used to say, "I don't get involved.  I'm neutral."  For the most part, it didn't appear that she has.  But I say to her before she says to folks like Groove, "You have ruined this chat," why don't you ask yourself, Karen, what you ever did to make the chat fun for others?  And Karen, when I mean others, I mean Emma.  Em has done a hell of a lot of damage and she surrounds herself by over boozing loons.  I know why she does it.  Emma gets off on being great pals with those who have it worse than her.  Em has to shine.  Be careful of the stones you throw, Karen and consider why it is that Em feels so comfortable around you.  Remember, she loves the losers.

Cheap shots fitting for the cheap

It was partly the comment about, "its all about you,"; partly the comment about, "you taking some pill?"; these cheap shots got me to thinking that all the elegance I saw between us was an invention of my mind and my heart.

I'm merely a file of pics on some dudes discs. When he thinks about it, he can peruse till he gets to mine and jackoff.  Great.  That's always what I wanted to be in life.  Just great.

I was asked if I'd ever be friends with him.  Nope. With him, it was lover or nothing.  Nothing it is.  At least I had something to imagine.  Back to reality.  I learned that the cheap is costly. 

What if...?

Children say, "What if..? and it opens the doors to unlimited possibilities.  When they say it I'm filled with hope and anticipation that faith really is going to move mountains. 

When an adult says, "What if...?"  all doors close.  It's more about doubt and fear, the very opposite of children.  It may be experience that leads to this, but its not for the better. 

Experience is merely that.  New horizons are ahead of us every new moment.  To live in the moment is to respect the future promises.  There is magic, faith if you will, in that kind of thinking.  Fear is the enemy of magic.  It says,"you can't do that, you only think you can."  Pretty soon after, you don't believe you can and quit thinking you could then whenever anyone else tries to do what you quit thinking about doing, you say to them, "What if...?

That my friends is sin.  Repent of this thinking.  Make "What if" your motto before you try something like writing a song.  What if I write that song, and Fiona Apple sings it??  What if my song makes a singer use her voice to its fullest and she gets a grammy?  What if everything is possible?   Selah

Two more things

The news papers aren't as hep as they ought to be.  Yesterday we were told that our military took down an Iraqi wedding party making us all look tyrannical when by this morning the news announced the weapons cache retrieved at the wedding including a sattelite communications system.  So much for Syria being our pals, but no matter.  The morning newspaper still reported yesterday's news.   Lots of folks will read that and walk around discouraged and for all the wrong reasons, namely, it wasn't the truth. 

The other thing that gripes me is what I saw at the 9/11 commisssion yesterday. The negative side of it came from a woman and a few others who had a lot to say about a Motorola hand radio that was reported as malfunctioning when they discovered it wasn't turned on--human error.   They maintain that the death of several people (numbers are an impossibility here) was due to this human error and they want someone to take that blame so they can punish them for hurting some people unto their death.  Well, first of all, the catastrophe was not the fault of a Motorola radio or its operator.  If not one person did anything to help the folks in those two towers, their death in no way would be any New Yorkers responsibility.  The responsibility of everyone's death that day belong on the shoulders of those flying the planes into the tower.  Quit throwing stones, or be fucking dammned.  I've had enough of you squawking fuckheads.  Okay.  I'm composed again.  Enough said.  I can still emerge, if nothing else, a lady.  So I'm a lady who can out curse an army drill sargent-- it happens.

Him

He has made me know the true meaning of love for he has loved me as no other was ever capable of.  No greater love have I known.  I loved him as I'll never love another for no one out there was cut so perfectly for me than he was.  He has brought me the greatest joy and has made me laugh.  Nobody on the face of this earth has ever given me so much encouragement as he has.  Nobody will ever replace this man and his excellance so few know about.  He is royalty though some of you might consider him a royal pain in the ass, he is that too, lol.  <smiling> I'll always love him all the days of my life.  I hope you all will be kind to him when he is grouchy.  He gets that way sometimes.  Don't take him too seriously when his cantakerous mood strikes.  I love him. I just love him. 

 I love you, sir.  Hold my love inside your heart every day that you shall live.  Perhaps in the celestials, I'll join you.  You mean more than this world to me.  Thank you for every gift you ever gave to me.  But what you so most freely gave, your love, I will forever value.  Thank you for your love, my love.

Rumors

I've been told to grin at others as they wallow in the mud, to grin as a Cheshire cat is wrong.  The man who said this is right.  But you know, the room logs are being blamed on someone I happen to like.  I didn't mention her name yesterday, though, I did try to hint to her what is going on. 

People form the strangest bonds online and they ruin others through forming them.  I'm telling you this, after what I've seen by the nature of these bonds, I have to ask what the hell are you grown ups doing? 

 When I met Emma, my feelings got hurt.  She was more interested in gossiping about Legs than hugging me.  Emma is a gossip.  That being said, all of us who are friends or were ever friends with her have always known that.  I watched as one of Emma's greatest friendships dissippated.  At the time, I didn't care much one way or another for either woman, but it disturbed me that a wedge could drive two people so far apart.  Now, I really enjoy the company of her x friend. 

What is going on in that chat room now, is something so utterly terrible.   Folks are using the wedge between the two of them to harrass the hell out of Emma and to pin it all on Di.   I hate it.  I don't like seeing folks harrassing Emma because I know how it hurts her.  Anyone who has ever known her knows this.  Two, to use and blame it on Di, well those doing this also know how sensitive Di is.  I can't watch this happen, nor can I grin like a Cheshire.  I can't believe grownups are doing this.  I just can't believe it.  What I once enjoyed, I no longer do.  I can't enjoy watching people being hurt by intention. No.  So long to you all.

The Bet is on

Several of us have a bet that involves Lance and Emma.  One bet goes this way: Lance and Emma are trying to set up Larry and Di and have staged a rip roaring fight.   The Ya yas are in on it.  That's the word.  '

The other is that Lance and a lady I happen to like are working together to help the fools to look like fools.  I'm not betting on that one.  I've wagered 5 bucks on the first bet though.

The folks getting wrapped up in this and who are taking sides are quite the fools and if I didn't love one of them so much, I'd say they were all idiots.    Like a  Cheshire cat I'll grin as I watch the little fishies swimming around in the bowl in front of me.  <grin>

Serious Pain

Today, I'm in great physical pain with no relief in sight.  There is not a hell of a lot I can do to alleviate it.  Laughter seems to help, but the stuff I've been writing lately has not provided me with a molecule of laughter.  I'm getting ready to begin two huge research papers, one on Global Dominance-- the same one a protagonist in my book wrote on.  I'll try to do it justice.  The other is going to be the one I wanted to do forever, the one where I'll have to take photos, the homeless story.  I don't know why that is on my heart, but actually, both stories occupy a great deal of me.  I must do them, so that means, less laughter which means more physical pain.  Please, won't you all pray that I do both stories with justice and patience.   Thank you very much.  Chelle

Mismatched

I had this friend that not many people liked.  I liked her.  She was loud, somewhat rude and valued her opinions over everyone elses.  She didn't like others to have their opinions and was stubborn.  These were but a few of her strengths.  I was in awe of her for she dared to be true to herself.  She taught me the importance of that.  One day she broke my heart when she turned her words on me, "It's always about you," she said.  She won't ever say that to me again for she taught me that when someone breeches a trust and cuts you intentionally, they don't get to do it again.  I used to miss her.  I still think of her from time to time and scratch my head as I wonder, "What's it really all about."

The Rain

I figure the adage, "When it rains it pours," was penned by a person drowning in lonliness. 

Blighted War

Okay, I've been thinking.  This war is no longer necessary.  The Iraqi people are afraid that the United States is just another people telling them what to do and if we didn't they also fear we will leave them vunerable without assistence. 

We should just be truthful and say, "Look!  Freedom ain't easy. No.  Liberty is often elusive.  We have to keepn digging it up again.  The cool thing about it is we all get to dig.  There is a sense of belonging and fairness to it that doesn't draw blood. It's us.  It's who we are.  We made it that way.  Your country you will have to make and remake, just as we have to.  God bless you folks.  God bless us all."

Every day

Putting the attrocities into a perspective that allows me to know peace, or pleasure, and have dignity in the process, well, that is becoming increasingly more difficult.

Good stuff

Yes, that's right.  I'm ecstactic today.  I've got some things accomplished without having to scar myself.  I'm not done by a longshot, oh no; but I'm on my way to better days.  Yes, and soon, I'll truly have time to play!  For now, I'll find a chat room to go hang in, one who won't mind if I do some housework, or even take a shower.  And!....tonight I hope to give myself a body workover, pedicure on up.  Yes indeedy, I'm ecstatic.  Coffee and chat time!  Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Letter to him     Pardon me for inconveniencing your time in the chat room.  So I've shrunk your screen once again.  I had wanted to wish you a good day but the anger welling within me would only kill the day for us both, so I decided to not chase you this time.  I always chase you and you offer me an excuse for that.  Emails are appreciated but you don't like doing those.  So rather than contact you, I'll just write about you in my journal, until one day, I don't.  It's all on you.  In my own defense, I withdraw as completely as I am able.  This time, I'll keep my spirit.

We Build This Society

The abstract has claimed morality and the absolute all virtue while we build our society on tolerance and compromise and have made Economy our King.      Chelle

Forgotten But Not Gone

Sometimes I call to argue, sometimes just to  listen, but my feelings stab me when I can't call; or when I do call, I only listen to the stroke of keyboards, a grunt of dismay due to some wide hipped woman's retorts in an environment I no longer belong.  The laughter I long to hear comes because some other crazy woman talks with a kooky accent like Ms. Quan from Mad TV--again from that same environment I don't belong in.  So while the Odella's and Marnie's of this world reach the heights of their success, I'm forgotten, but note, I'm not gone--just elsewhere searching for an environment where I belong. 

I wanted attention, just equal time as those who cause such great chagrin, but I don't warrant that because I exist, for one, much better in a visual that stimulates remote memories.  They all have each other when they need sympathy, but I'd much prefer a long embrace.  I'd prefer to discuss it but I'm denied what others are so freely allowed.  Would it matter?  Where an explanation would help out, I'd probably get another excuse and once again have the blame shifted on me.  Yes, we used to connect so well, but now he has no time, got got got, got no time--no time left for me.

so another oil tanker is missing...hm

So another tanker is missing.  Seems to me that one went missing a month ago and whatever happened to the huge ass dynamite cache stolen in Northern California (shasta area) two years ago?  Hey, did we ever find that tenth plane that was missing back on Sept 11th, 2001?   And the news wonders if this is part of a terrorist act?  Yes...yes it is.
I don't know how to find the lost or missing articles today, but to find any that might go missing in our future, I suggest we employ "On Star" technology and put tracking devices in all tankers, planes, boats, and rail.  Track our assets consistently.   We have no excuse for missing explosives, missing chemicals, and missing vehicles.